I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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