I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
