I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
