We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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