Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
