I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
