I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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