i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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