it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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