How'd it feel making her break her religion?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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