Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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