dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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