When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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