i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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