If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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