She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
