I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Two words: blizzard sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
