he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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