I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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