I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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