I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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