I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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