I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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