Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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