I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he thought i was a dude.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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