no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I AM VODKA MAN
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
