Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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