Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
