First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
