I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
