I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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