I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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