the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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