god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We got so high we made milksteak
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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