Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
