Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
