Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
