How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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