Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
