I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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