i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just gift wrapped bread.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
