The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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