On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
