You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
