You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
