I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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