I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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