I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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