so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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