Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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