I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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