The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
