she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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