just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
