I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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