Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
