I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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