i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
