Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
