I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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